So Let’s Start Here.
There is a kind of hunger that doesn’t make your stomach growl. It doesn’t announce itself as you sit down to the table. No list can hold it. No journal contains it. This hunger just sits quietly on a woman’s chest.
She has carried it with her everywhere for decades, just hoping and waiting to hear the words that never quite come. Waiting for that outside validation from the world around us. Validation the world programmed us our whole lives to seek and use to make critical decisions about our own self worth. Validation that comes from people that don’t even care.
Maybe she’s seven, standing in front of a mirror trying to see why the kids at school make fun of her… trying to decide what she believes about who she sees staring back at her.
Or maybe she is forty-seven, dragging all those years of baggage every step she makes, still waiting desperately to hear someone say what she so badly needs to hear so she can lay it all down.
Who she is.
Her age doesn’t matter, the hunger is always the same. It may grow in intensity as she waits to hear… You matter just because you exist, not because of what you DO. Waits for permission to rest without having to earn it. Waits on the ability to say no, with ZERO explanations. Waits to feel like she is enough today, just as she is at this very moment.
Both of these girls need someone to SHOW them something true, mean it, and never take it back. You can tell them all day long that they are pretty but until you model what it looks like… it will never stick.
You matter just because you exist.
It has nothing to do with your productivity or patience, or all the sacrifices made, or how well you hold everything together when your world is in pieces. It doesn’t depend on you showing up and staying late or keeping your mouth shut when you should have stood up for yourself.
You matter because God made you… PERIOD.
Just in case you haven’t heard it lately, or maybe even ever, I will do my best to show you that you ARE worth five minutes. You are worth pampering. You are worth taking two seconds to glance in the mirror and say something nice out loud without earning it. Because for one, you always already owned it and for two, someone younger is watching… all the time.
Your body has been with you through a lot.
It has been with you during every season. Even the seasons you really thought might break you but didn’t. Every scar that landed on your skin and dug into your heart. Every sleepless night you spent, pacing the floors for one reason or another. Your body showed up for all of it. Even when you hated it, even when you were ashamed of it, even when you wouldn’t even look at it.
She has seen it all.
That body, that body has been through it all, no fixing is required (read that again). It deserves your gratitude, not your criticism. So, the next time you find a mirror or are looking down, keep remembering beauty isn’t something you lose, it’s something that evolves. And taking care of it? Well, that’s not selfishness dressing up as pretty. It’s stewardship of the one body, that God so carefully and intentionally created, just for you, that will be with you during your one chance on earth to get it right.
So thank it by spending five minutes putting on some lotion or perfume just because. If you don’t remember anything else remember this — beauty doesn’t leave you. It deepens. It acquires interesting stories as you move through life. And most importantly, it is mandatory for the next generation to see this in action.
You are allowed to be seen.
No, not seeing you like you are used to showing up. I mean really seeing you… like when the house is a total disaster, when you are not put together, when you’re still in your pajamas at noon. Allowing yourself to be seen is okay. Stop waiting on the moment that the house is clean, your mascara is fresh, and you actually got some sleep to feel okay with you because that moment… it is never coming. It needs to be right now, just as you are. Just let them see you anyway!
Worth.
A performance isn’t going to be required of you for you to truly be seen. I know this one is hard because life has been teaching you from the very beginning the way you feel about yourself should be based on how you perform. Did you make an A or a D on that essay shouldn’t be included in the decision you make about how much you are worth. It’s just someone else’s opinion.
Don’t let her shrink.
So don’t shrink back and disappear and tell yourself it’s called love because that’s not love, that is the slow erosion of your core being… and it’s a slippery slope once you allow it to sneak in.
Love is needed, even when it’s messy.
The right people? The right people will stay, even when you are a mess, when the house has been through a tornado, when the dark rings under your eyes tell a complete story of what you went through the night before. They will choose you still.
Just keep in mind that someone else — maybe a daughter, maybe a niece, maybe the girl buried deep inside you — is looking at you right now, waiting for you to stay with them, while deciding what’s possible for a woman.
She is deciding whether she gets to take up space or shrink to the smallest size possible. Deciding whether what she wants counts in this world.
Lead by example.
Let her SEE you choose yourself. Even if it’s just once. Even though it will not be perfect — because it will change something in the way she sees herself. A slight shift that is so very needed in this world today.
You are way more than the sum of all your mistakes, including the worst thing you have ever done.
Speak this out loud, no matter where you are right now. Shame, he is a liar. He speaks with such authority, whispering in your ear… remember what you did, I know you do. It feels like he knows you down to your bones. That’s a lie. He can’t see your heart, only God can do that. Shame only knows the details of what happened. He doesn’t know who you are. And he most certainly doesn’t know who God is creating you to be.
Remember, grace isn’t something you earn. It isn’t something you suffer for or wait for as you mark off a long list of conditions. It’s already right here. It always has been and it always will be because Jesus set it up like that. You just have to be willing to take the gift and hold it close to your heart, never forgetting what He did for you. If you haven’t grabbed it yet, today is the day — because you will never feel worthy. What you don’t realize is you are still becoming His vision for you. And that’s not a flaw, it is the entire wonderful, beautiful, grace-filled point.
It is not too late… it is never too late.
No matter how bad you think you botched it, there is still time. Still time for five minutes of pampering. Still time for really hard conversations. Still time for learning to say your own name like you matter. Still time for deciding, maybe for the first time ever, that you are worth caring for. Still time for you to show everyone around you that you are allowing yourself to believe in YOU. Still time to accept the gift Jesus bled to bring you.
Little Eyes.
Why is all this so important? She is watching, trust me on this one. Whether she is four and following you while you go to the bathroom or fourteen and sulking in the back seat because she wanted to go to that concert, she is watching — but more importantly she is making crucial decisions. Life patterns that will follow her to the grave. She is deciding what she is allowed to believe about herself… give her permission to believe she is everything God created her to be and nothing less.
Don’t try to show her a perfect example, that will lead to her trying to achieve perfection too. Just give her permission. Permission to matter. Permission to take up space and speak up. Permission to take care of herself without guilt. Permission to do it messy. Permission to say one word — no — without an explanation. Permission to value herself so much that she will quickly turn down anything that would devalue her. And permission to do every bit of it without an apology.
Show her the way. But first, you absolutely have to believe it about yourself too. Because she truly is watching… they are always watching. No one, and I mean no one, has a greater influence over a child’s life than the same sex parent of that child. Remember that the next time you look in the mirror. And if your mom didn’t realize that, well then — you know it now. So do it for yourself first, and the rest will follow.
